Wanted-Senior Candidate-why being president is the perfect job for old folk

I know there’s been a lot of ageism thrown around against old guys and gals running for president this time around. And it’s probably us old folk who are the most guilty of saying that. At least 70% of my facebook feed (and facebook is nothing but a grandma’s brag page) is full of other seniors warning voters against electing us to the highest office.

Well, I’m here to tell you different and once again, to waffle on whether I’ll be throwing one of my many hats into the ring (see above.) I’m almost perfect for the job, especially when you compare me to these wet-behind-the-ears candidates.

The reason seniors, the elderly, us spry and crotchety-ones think our kinfolk shouldn’t run is because we know how much time we spend fussing about our aches and pains, I never believed that old wives tale, but it’s true-we’ve got aches in places we’ve never seen and we can’t stop discussing the latest cures-except now they’re laced with THC-well, really, it’s not so different from the days of our youth.

Remember, us Boomers came of age smoking weed and buying it in lids. [Ask your grandma what that is, sonny.] We ran around exclaiming, “Oh Wow” all the time….We also overuse commas but that it’s slowly dying out.

I could compete with the best of the unknowns knowns and some of the known knowns if you grok my Rumsfeldian inner dialgue. First off, I am a female, I almost quaify as a coastal elite, except for the elite part, having never made any real scratch, I mean moulah, or I think we called it bread back in the olden days.

I am just as gaffable-just ask my kids- as Biden but with better hair. Despite the West Coast predilection for faux hugging, I try to stay a respectable distance whenever possible. I am quite often as grumpy as Bernie and can be as professorial as Liz. But I do hate high-fiving, I’m always fearful that I’ll miss and smack someone in the face or put an arthritic finger out of joint. I think I can turn the whole ridiculous custom, with a little help from my more PC friends, into an archaic symbol of the patriarchy and too damn Tom Bradyish for a good Dem to continue imposing on me or others (as if they count.)

I can honestly say I know as much about governing as many of the neophytes, particularly Mr. Coffee or Edwin Yang, though I do like Yang for VP, and almost as much Mayor Pete, minus the military experience. Please substitute my Quaker upbringing and almost joining the American Friends Service Committee (almost is as good as having done it, amiright.) The AFSC was the precursor to the Peace Corps, remember….oh forget it.

So why is the job perfect for a senior citizen, a human of elderly persuasion, a white-haired little old lady, a person of many decades, yeah, let’s settle on that one, person-of-many-decades.

But first I have to admit that most of us who were real Boomers, not the kind who bought their tye dye at the mall and married early and reliably raised a family while holding down the minimum of careers–those of us who hitched rides in the oddest of places, changed careers with the half decade and did not live a drugfree, serial monogamous or any kind of monogamous lifestyle might have some splainin to do. But, well, as grandpas and especially grandmas, you kiddies really don’t wanna know…so don’t ask…we probably won’t remember anyway.

One of my career choices

No, the reason we probably don’t remember all the crazy stuff we did, isn’t just “If you can remember the 1960s, you weren’t really there.”
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/05/07/remember-1960s/ More likely, it’s just because we can’t remember, or you know, could be the former, qui sais? Anyway:

So Many Good Reasons to be President

  1. When you’re president, you don’t need to remember where you put your keys, you’re not even allowed to have them, and being president is a more dignified excuse than your grandkids had to take them away.
  2. When you’re president, and you walk into a room and forget why, someone is always there to remind you.
  3. You won’t be tempted to put your socks or whatever-you-can’t-find-now, in the frig, much less your phone which you can’t really have [based on pre-Trump rules] and you have a cook in the kitchen, someone who probably monitors the fridge.
  4. You can sit on the toilet as long as you want and even give orders to your chief of staff while you’re waiting for something to happen. Remember LBJ?

5.The best one besides having a chauffer who can drive at night, is having a scheduler to remind you of your appointments BEFORE they happen and dinner whenever you want (leaving out mind numbing state dinners which will put your back out for days and fry your leftover brain cells*)

6. You won’t have to worry about being stumped for a name and where-the-heck-do-I know-you-from reference when someone runs upt to you and gives you a real hug. First of all, no one is allowed to do that and 2ndly you get to hire someone who will feed that info into your ear or just say, sorry, she has to take a call from the Pentagon now.

So see, we can stop expressing ageism towards Bernie or Biden or even youngish Elizabeth Warren (71 in 2020). I’m sure presidents always get to take little naps, even if they have to sit in the limo to do it, gets lots of free CBD, massages, and pre-FDA (I almost had to effing look that acronym up because, you know, senior moments) approved meds to get you through the day and they can open those g-d bottles for you.

So go ahead, run for office or vote for someone who is just as often focused on trying to remember where they left their glasses as what to do about our justice system, it’s only fair and we deserve the free room and board, doncha know.

3 Comments on "Wanted-Senior Candidate-why being president is the perfect job for old folk"

  1. Brad Erickson | April 7, 2019 at 5:21 pm | Reply

    aka the chronologically-gifted.

  2. oliviaxlarosa | April 7, 2019 at 8:20 pm | Reply

    Exactly what I needed today! A reason to smile.

  3. David Weintraub | April 7, 2019 at 11:41 pm | Reply

    eh?? what did you say??
    Still can’t hear you

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