1) How to Find Hand Sanitizer
My friend told me the secret to this elusive substance worth it’s weight in copper (another substance so precious no building containing it can be left empty for long). Buy yourself a cheap airline ticket, Southwest is going somewhere for $49, go to the airport, check in and then go straight to an airport snack shop and get a bottle of this stuff (still cheaper than on Amazon, I hear, and not available till sometime in April anyway).
However, if you do not succeed, I have another idea. When my daughter was a little tyke and we visited the beach, she would run screaming out of the salt water when it hit her scabby knees because of her eczema. So I put Desitin on them, it’s diaper rash ointment. It’s mostly zinc oxide, you know that white stuff lifeguards always have on their noses. Yeah you won’t be able to pick anything up but it will keep fluids out. And, if you touch your face, it’ll show. Very cheap at Target too.
2) Learn to Love Pasta
Have you been to the grocery store lately. Well I have and I’m sorry I went. Listen I already have REI rations and canned goods in my earthquake kit and hope to never have to eat them or I would have by now. Today I saw regular adults hovering around the canned soup aisle waiting to see what the other old folks would buy so they could grab the last one-cause panic is a herd activity.
I thought that frozen foods might be better than say, canned pizza but after seeing the long lines I couldn’t see the point of buying all that thawed out pocorn chicken. Needless to say, no ice cream came home to my marooned habitat (maybe that’s why we were all there, it’s the only communal behavior that’s still encouraged).
So, yeah, the pasta aisles, not much left but I did grab a box of macaroni shells and brought it home with a jar of marinara sauce. Those jars always have enough sauce to feed everyone in the office to which I no longer go. Anyway, once home I had to squeeze it in next to all the existing containers of pasta.
My daughter in LA (who insisted I participate in this lemming-like behavior) discovered she also had cabinets full of various pastas. And guess what–7 month olds don’t eat much of that stuff.
3) Share Streaming Suggestions, Please
Be careful and warn your friends and neighbors what NOT to watch. I tried two shows I knew nothing about and both turned out to be bloodbaths of pathos and anxiety. Did I need that? Is there anything fun on Netflix, Amazon or TikTok (just threw that in, have no idea what goes on there).
I was reduced to watching more episodes of Grace and Frankie during which I mostly tried to guess who looks/is older than me, who looks/is younger and who had the best plastic surgeon-or not-and it’s usually not very, uh, uplifting. So please, some help here!
4) Engage with Nextdoor
If you try this you will come up for air in about four hours and need a nice hot shower during which you will have used all that precious sanitizer. ‘Nuff said.
5) Watch Cats modeling fashion Videos or Just Adopt a Critter
By the way I have some for you (cats but no fashions). Unfortunately one or both of you will have to reside permanently in a crate as they are feral and do not do well in rooms.
6) Stockpile Dark Chocolate, Coffee and Liquor
You need these 4 basic food groups-if you include pasta.
7) Yell at the Mayor, Your Councilmember, or Official of Your Choice
You can email, tweet, call, visit or-see number 4. It relieves stress and dumps your frustrations on someone who must deserve it or they wouldn’t have run for office, of course. After all, this has to be someone’s fault, amiright?
BUT if none of these work:
Go for a hike, walk the Lake, or climb the Mountain View Cemetery, we live in one of the best places in the world for free entertainment-surpassing even number 7.
Additionally the East Bay Regional Parks are some of the best run and even financially solvent open spaces with trails for every level of hiker. You could also help pull weeds at the Morcom Rose Garden.
Old folks like me can safely meet out-of-doors, get stress reducing exercise and remember why we live in this hyper expensive, poorly financed part of the world before returning to our shelves of pasta. Take care and remember to never ever–touch your face.