Throwing My Hat Out There or How I Learned to Love Special Elections

Warning: this may be viewed as being in poor taste or just tasteless by the truly ernest.

Eeek, We Don’t Have an Assemblyrep Right Now!

Did anybody notice, that our Assemblyguy got promoted to top cop? Oh, heh, turns out many folks have noticed and they are already measuring the curtains, stocking up on Capitol Corridor tickets and checking the refrigerant in their cars before motoring up to Cowtown, that is, Sacramento. But wait, I saw this gaggle, met them, talked to them. I even like most of them, the little I know about them…. but aren’t there still more unqualified folks out there like me waiting to be, er, nominated or something.

There’s even a Republicrat and a friendly write-in candidate. This race has everything but a do-not-write-in candidate. So I’ll throw my hat out there. I once proposed #Nobody4Sheriff so here goes. I also proposed you run me for president with a damn good cabinet but you didn’t bite then either. Given what I know about the ladies who seem to have the market cornered on progressive proposals and experience-at least in proposals, not so much experience, all around–but after all, Rob Bonta was just an Alameda city council person before he ran.

Qualifications, I got Qualifications

I’m an immigrant from Pennsylvania, a strange and wondrous place to the far east of here where it rains and people still function. But I arrived here just before the Gentrification era…or long before it officially started…whenever that was. Me and my kids lived close to the Murder Dubs during the height of the crack epidemic in a broken home! And while I am very white-coming from ultra WASPy stock, I must admit-I AM the mother and grandmother of Black people who carry my DNA (and have my eyes.) And I’d absolutely vote for reparations for them, especially since, as the American tradition for Black families still requires, they won’t get much inheritance from me! But more about my Wishlist, er, my platform later.

I was once a public school teacher in some of the most troubled, broken down schools in this country and often was assigned to teach subjects I was completely unqualified and unprepared to teach-so I’m clearly ready to bullshit my way to any ridiculous committee assignment. Good ole OUSD didn’t care, just keep’em in the classroom which I mostly did. The last class I was asked to sub in, long term mind you, was a kindergarten in Mandarin. I’ve never taught kindergarten, mostly middle school or adult school and I don’t speak Mandarin. I just quit answering the phone after that.

I might qualify as an artist because when I had my own store, I sold some of my paintings, mosaics, and recycled objets d’art. All this while raising my two very rambunctious kids. And by the way, for those who are feministically squeamish, don’t freak out caused I nursed them both until the ripe old age of three while running my parent co-op nursery school and attempting to get my master’s in Counseling which I had to finally give up on and go to work. Oops, I attended lowly state schools so you know I’m barely qualified for a write-out spot as state rep in our Town of overeducated Ivy Leaguers-or is it the big 10, what would I know?

More Qualifications

I have been elected to one office or is that too much experience? I have thrice been given a decent enough vote count to get on the Alameda County Democratic Central Committee and once I got inadvertently elected to the KPFA Local Station Board. Of course neither of these are paid gigs-I pledge to remain barely afloat financially- and I remain chronically bored or pissed off by these bodies. Needless to say, the Democratic Party still mystifies me.

I will say I should get plenty of credit/discredit, depending on the day of the week, for having worked on numerous losing campaigns although I do profusely apologize for helping some, especially initiatives, to win. I’ve been invited to meetings at both the local Chamber of Commerce and the Police Commission plus lots of late night marches where I refrained, for unknown reasons, from breaking windows. I am a Paragon of Nuance but as most would say, I’m just not sufficiently clear on where the line falls between true progressives and pragmatic-moms-in-struggling-families-who-used-to-be-merchants. Oh, no excuses for my bad behavior or lack of it. I’m too old to have any fucks left to give (in fact I barely remember what that word means!)

So yeah, ya know, someone has to represent us seniors. I should get twice the non-votes for being twice the age of the leading candidates. I have no money to campaign with and we all know that candidates who have enough money for mailings, staff, etc are completely unqualified by virtue of knowing how to win…

My All Important Platform

Or your wishes are my command. I will decree upon arriving at my crowded non-existent office in Sacramento that henceforth, the minimum wage throughout the land, (excluding of course my staff, those lazy buggers) shall be, I think a good calculus is $48 per hour since at least $28 per hour is necessary to live in the Bay area for one. It would be $56 if you have a child and wish to feed it and engage childcare. Therefore, we’ll be reasonable and demand $48, maybe $46 in LA cause they have so many fast food establishments where you can get a meal for under$15. Central California is where Republicans live but they can still qualify for a measly $22 an hour, why not? I will put up my dukes if the state resists, cause I’m a fighter despite being raised as a Quaker or–I will give them my toughest #meanmomstare.

Oh here’s another reason not to write me in, I’d ask folks to consider the Howard Terminal Project on its merits, not on the false propaganda that’s been blowing through the Interwebs (although the state is now mostly irrelevant to this project but who cares). Ultimately, of course, the ILWU gets the final nod on every development in the city cause that’s how progressives roll. As for the Building Trades Council, I’ll be a bit wary of their support since they know how to kill legislation that prevents further climate change like we were stuck in 1954. Did the CIA kill all their smart leaders back then too?

And, of course, I’d grandly end the Ellis Act and Costa Hawkins on my second day in office but isn’t everyone already promising to accomplish that? If you don’t know what those are, too bad, that disqualifies you from insider status. We talk in riddles and acronymns whenever possible. I hate to admit it but I’m not related to anyone in elected office, sad but true.

So whaddya think? Do I get your undying support to rep you at the legislative house that savors the death of every housing or police reform bill it ever sadly posted up on the state’s own website before you even knew about it? I hope not.

PS. That’s not what I look like anymore either.

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